Is this abuse or did I deserve it?

I've not been the best kid I know I've taken drugs, got pissed, been arrested and the list goes on but I'm trying to do better now. I started smokin weed just after my mum died and I find it really hepls me to feel better when I get depressed. If I tell my dad am feeling down he just tells me to be a man and that just makes me feel worse. My dad found some coke I had in my coat pocket and when I got home my dad was waiting for me drunk and he held me to the floor and belted me and now I have big bruises on my legs and my back. I feel really angry with him and I don't no if I can forgive him. He's always getting drunk and doing things but thats ok for him but its different if i do anything. He never cares about how I feel and I don't think i even love him and I don't think he cares much about me. I'm sick of how he treats me, the only reason i take drugs is because it helps when i'm missing my mum but he never just talks to me and I don't know what to do. I am trying to give up drugs but I'm finding it a bit hard. I'm feeling angry that he belted me though cos I don't feel like I deserved it and he wouldn't even let me explain! He makes me feel so angry I wish he would just talk to me. I need to tell him I take more drugs but I'm trying to quite but how can I tell him in a way that won't make him want to kill me. I want to tell him I'm trying to stop but I need support but how shall i word it without him going mad? Help!